Quotes

Trump promises White House that entertains

Posted Dec. 6, 2016

NEW YORK – 45 Drumpf, managing partner in the Donald J. Trump Presidency, will put its stamp on the White House.

“Government is boring and so are its buildings.” 45 Drumpf Chief Executive Officer Donald J. Trump announced earlier today. “The election of our client shows Americans want their government to do more than protect them, they want entertainment.”

Keeping with past practice, Trump did not attend the press conference or disclose his location. Instead the president-elect transmitted his plans via Twitter across a large screen in the lobby of Trump Tower.

“America needs a great residence for its head of state .” Trump thumbed. “Look around.”

“10 Downing.  Too musty and old.  Rising damp. Another English row house.”

“Kremlin? Dank and cold. Why does Vlady live in dump? Sue builder over bulges in roof. Do not pay.”

“The Palais de ‘’l’Élysee? French.”

“Four-year term is a lease.  We’ll replace Houso Blanco with an executive mansion, casino and entertainment complex. (See I love Mexicanos!)

As for the costs of the project?

“Haven’t decided which country will pay. Maybe I’ll hit up a US corporation or the unions. Lots of arms to twist.”

A 45 Drumpf insider, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, offered a glimpse into the president-elect’s marketing plans.

“Everyone will be welcome since casinos are built on separating the little person  from their money,” the insider said. “However, there will be special gaming rooms for citizens like the president-elect who have managed to pay little or no taxes for decades. The president-elect feels that if you pay less in taxes than the person dealing your cards or bringing drinks, then we should throw in a lap dance or two with dancers rated a 10 by the Great Leader-elect. ”

(45 Drumpf is devoted to political satire and commentary. Any similarity between these essays and actual news would be a huge disappointment.)

McRyan will manage Trump presidency

WASHINGTON AND NEW YORK – 45 Drumpf, a subsidiary of the Donald J. Trump Organization, and McRyan Hill Management Consultants Inc. announced today a joint marketing and management arrangement that will provide executive and legislative services to the American people. The partnership will do business as the Donald J. Trump Presidency.

The term of the agreement is four years with a one-time renewal of an additional four years.

“America is Great again and I haven’t even taken office.” 45 Drumpf  Chairman and Chief Executive Officer Donald J. Trump tweeted announcing the deal. “This frees me from stupid, boring details and policy minutia.  Now I can focus on what I do best for the American people which is talk about myself.

“Best president ever! Lincoln or FDR could never have cut this type of deal.”

Appearing at a breakfast reception before the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange where McRyan went public, Speaker Paul Ryan was giddy.

“Today is a great day for Americans” Ryan gushed.  “A minority of voters has delivered to the United States Congress the weak, disinterested, ineffective leader Republican legislators fantasize about.”

“All Donald has to do is market. McRyan will handle the day-to-day details of government. He’ll just have to sign whatever we put in front of him. No vetoes allowed.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, Ryan’s partner, stood silently beside Ryan. Asked to comment about how eight-years of unrepentant obstructionism had finally delivered his dream president, McConnell maintained a flat line smile but permitted his watery eyes to sparkle in disbelief.

Terms of the agreement were not made public. However, one insider with the Donald J. Trump Presidency, who was not authorized speak publicly about the transaction, confirmed that it includes substantial monthly payments by McRyan to 45 Drumpf for use of the Trump likeness, name and imagery in its management services.

“The president-elect’s image has been carefully built on fear, bigotry, misogyny, lunacy and bullying. We won’t let his brand be diluted by career politicians without just compensation.”

(45 Drumpf is devoted to political satire and commentary. Any similarity between these essays and actual news would be a huge disappointment.)