Oh 51st ….

No one had seen Alberta like this. Ever. Stoic and fiercely independent, they were rattled, anxious even fearful.

“We will not submit. You may cave, we will not,” they said. “The oilers will reduce the plains to flames if necessary.”

Prince Edward weighed in.

“Don’t be so dramatic. There is one advantage.”

Labrador and Newfoundland restrained their neighbor Quebec as they lunged at Prince Edward.  

“Il n’y a aucun avantage pour le Canadien,”[1] Quebec stammered. “Il détruira notre culture et notre langue. Nous ne nous inclinerons jamais devant cette carcasse orange gonflée.”

“That’s the problem,” Prince Edward said. “We ignore reason and logic so you can protect your precious language and culture. Listen ….”

“Reason! There can be no reason!” British Columbia screamed checking Prince Edward into the wall. “Lose our health insurance and be thrown at the mercy of the American Health Industrial Complex?

“Lose free education?

“Surrender O Canada for an annoying anthem based on an English drinking song! Of course, the bombs were bursting in air, the English never could hit anything! Canucks won’t accept such an outcome.”

Prince Edward broke free from the wall and slid away from the line of defense set up by Quebec, Newfoundland and Labrador.

The Northern Territories and Nunavut sat on one side. They weren’t upset. They were used to being ignored while the territories and provinces fought.  No one noticed the small fire they started with maple paneling pulled from the wall.  

“We would be the second largest state after California. We’d have about 48 seats in the House and two senators. That’s 50 electoral votes,” Yukon Territory said looking up from a book on American government. “Unless they change the apportionment law, our seats are going to come from the other states. We’d have schwack in their presidential elections.”

“See there’s another reason,” Prince Edward said.

“Reason for what?” Nova Scotia asked throwing their fishing jacket on the couch. “Sorry I’m late. The haul was awesome today. Couldn’t get away.”

They tossed a wrapped package to Nunavut.

“Atlantic Cod, like you asked.”

“Jesus Novie,” Ontario said. “How about a shower? You smell like chum.”

Quebec couldn’t help themselves …. again. “Le Prince veut devenir le 51e État !”[2]

“Not gonna happen,” Novie said. “They’ll stick us with Maine. Nope.”

Manitoba heard enough. “Our jets can stop any onslaught from the south. We will preserve our confederation, lakes, polar bears and belugas.”

“That type of knee-jerk, saber-rattling response is expected from militaristic Manitoba,” Prince Edward said.

Manitoba rose to squash Prince Edward. Ontario stepped in.

“Countrymen, it is impossible to believe that the senators and commoners would allow the Stars and Stripes to replace maple leaves across our great land,” Ontario said. “Passions are high, but we have not let Prince Edward state his case. The floor is yours.”

Prince Edward took a deep breath. Tears welled in the corner of their eyes. Their voice cracked.  They understood the gravity of surrendering, but the gain would outweigh that loss and restore the nation’s psyche.

“If we do this, we will again be in the same country as the Stanley Cup. What is ours, will be ours again.”

The Holy Trinity of Howe, Orr and Gretsky brought silent wisdom to the skirmishing nation. They felt their hearts and consciences clear.

“Makes sense eh” they said in unison.

“It is about the Cup,” Quebec said.

“It’s about the Cup,” the nation chanted. “It’s about the Cup.”

“So,” Nunavut asked looking up from cooking. “Where would the 51st star go?”

[1] “There is no advantage for the Canadiens,” Quebec stammered. “It will destroy our culture and our language. We will never bow to this swollen, orange carcass.”

[2] “The prince wants to become the 51st state!”

Parent Teacher Cage Matches

The sixth-graders mixed screams and stomps into the pounding cadence of the school fight song as it synchronized with the garnet and gold strobe lights.

 Ian Cziger was enthralled. Not with the spectacle, but the young lady one row up and four seats to the right. Maddie Campbell was all Ian wanted to see forever.  Her white sweater and smooth skin changed color under the flickering lights. When she turned and smiled, he was able to confirm the rumor of breast buds. A shiver rampaged through him. His groin stirred.  

Confused by his body and numbed by her smile, he did what any boy that age would do. He put his thumbs in his ears and wiggled his fingers. Maddie shook her head and turned around.

“That was stupid,” Ian thought. “Why?”

There was no time for self-pity.

“ARE YOU READY FOR TEACHER CONFERENCES!!!” screamed the principal from the wrestling ring centered on the basketball court. “I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”

The students roared. It took three tries to win back silence.

“Henley Marauders let’s give a Marauding welcome to the 47th President of the United States Donald J. Trump and the Secretary of Education Linda McMahon!

“We are honored Mr. President and Madame Secretary that you chose Henley for the first parent-teacher conference under this new federally mandated format.

“Madame Secretary, as a founding member of WWF, your decision to blend the format of outdated parent teacher conferences with cage matches has brought excitement and transparency to education. Parents now feel they are in control of their children’s education. This is truly an innovation!”

Ian stirred again when a beautiful woman with long legs and black hair climbed into the ring. Her sequined top pushed into view what he hoped would be Maddie’s future. She held up a large card and walked around the ring. The other side of the gym gasped then cheered. Ian did not cheer. He wanted to slide under the bleachers.

“Cziger vs. Hahn!”

Fireworks went off. The lights and overbearing song returned. Smoke filled the gym. Classmates slapped his back; Maddie booed. He was in a daze when Coach Morrow led him to the ring where Ian’s parents were sitting.

In her final year of a four-decade career as an English teacher, Sylvia Hahn struggled into the ring. Her bad right hip made it difficult to walk. Grey-haired and portly, she was Mrs. Claus. She baked cookies for the school during the holidays.

Coach Morrow put his shoulder into her and rolled her up into the ring. “Sorry Sylvia,” he said helping her to the desk. “I’ll be in the corner.”

“Mr. and Mrs. Cziger it’s nice to see you.”

The President interrupted. “Get on with it.”

Hahn leaned across the desk. “Ian I am surprised. You have an A minus.”

“I’ll speak for him, you gimp,” Joe Cziger. “We’re here because that minus should be a plus. And don’t give me any of that ‘he didn’t follow the rules crap.’”

“That’s better,” Trump yelled as if he was having a spasm. “Don’t forget ‘Sleepy-like Joe’ or “Fatty fat Chris Christie’”.

“You heard the President,” Marissa Cziger seethed. “You should be executed for treason.”

“My, my,” Hahn said. She reached deep into her experience of overbearing, obnoxious parents. She smiled. “I doubt you know what treason is. This isn’t it. Ian’s exercise required the successful application of the Oxford comma.

“Ian did not do that.”

Joe sprang to his feet and grabbed the chair. “Oxford comma? This is ‘Merica you comma Commie! We got rid of that with King George!”

The chair met Hahn’s head and shattered. Stunned, Hahn couldn’t resist when Joe lifted her with a chokehold. Marissa bolted around the desk and began to slap Hahn in the stomach.

While his classmates screamed, the strobe lights raged and music thumped, Ian sat paralyzed in a silent, slow-motion cocoon of chaos.

In the VIP box, Trump was feigning punches. McMahon was jumping and swinging her arms.

“All of this because of a comma,” Ian thought. He told his parents he didn’t want an Ivy. He would follow Maddie.

The tables turned with a single blow. Hahn’s sharp elbow found Joe’s groin. He staggered back into the ropes. The ensuing upper cut found Marissa’s chin. She dropped to the canvas.

Coach Morrow raised Hahn’s arm.

Ian’s classmates swarmed the ring. Maddie approached.  That ecstatic shiver returned when their eyes met. Her voice broke the silence.

“She’s my favorite teacher and we can never be together now!” Maddie screamed.  

 Ian stammered. His excitement drained. He said the first thing he thought.

“That sentence needs a comma; it sounds like you are dating Mrs. Hahn.”  

Another perfect call

The assistant poked her head into the office.

“Mr. President?”

She hesitated. The desk was vacant. The president’s favorite high-backed, green leather chair sat to one side.

“Sir, it’s the president-elect.”

She scanned the silent, high-ceiling room. She caught the miniscule swivel of the chair as she turned to leave.

“President Zelenskyy?”

She crept to the desk and leaned over. What she saw under the writing surface left her in shock. The man she admired for rallying a country in the face of Russian aggression was in the fetal position. His face against the carpet.

“Ah, there you are sir. It’s President-elect Drumpf.”

Zelenskyy, attired in his olive-green t-shirt and pants, turned to face her.

“I lost my pen.”

“That’s okay, sir,” she said. “I can help. There’s no need to keep looking.”

She felt his reluctance to leave the wooden cocoon.

“Yes certainly,” he said and crawled out.

“Orange one is on line two,” the assistant instructed.

Zelenskyy became stern. “What have I told you about showing disrespect for 45Drumpf?”

“Keep it up!”

They laughed.

“Hey,” he said as she reached the door. “It was a coincidence; dropping my pen when I heard his voice.”

“Works for me,” she said.

Zelenskyy moved his chair to the desk. Before he could speak, his caller’s voice filled the room.

“Voldy, this is the Dah-nald.  I’m back for another “perfect” call. This is gonna be beautiful. They say it will be the best presidential phone call in history. Imagine that, even better than when Abe Lincoln would call Jeffy Davis. I tell ya, those two got into it. But we’ll see what they say. Who knows.”

Zelenskyy suppressed the bile filling his throat.

“Congratulations on another term…” was all he was allowed.

“Yup. Fight! Fight! Fight! You and me buddy. I fight those soft, nefarious treasonous Americans who don’t like me, and you fight the Russians. Did you hear someone shot at me? Has anyone shot at you?

“Turns out, I didn’t need you to go after doddering Joe. Time did that and we got his son anyway.”

Zelenskyy coughed. He was feeling uncomfortable. “Mr. President-elect ….”

“Now, now Voldy, I won both the electoral and popular votes. I hear Ukrainians are calling it the most beautifully run election they’ve ever seen. They liked the balance between offensive snark and attacks on that woman. I tell ya, no one can beat a woman like a Drumpf.”

Zelenskyy heard whispers from the U.S end of the call.

“I did?” Drumpf said. “I don’t do this often but I need to clarify something. No one beats a woman in an election like a Drumpf. That’s what I meant.”

“A clarification,” Zelenskyy said. “Truly historic. Is there someone with you?”

“Yeah, Elon,” Drumpf said. “God I’ve always loved the smell of musk. Not sure if I like him or it’s just an association with that fragrance. I’m telling you; interesting things happen when the colognes are near the women’s dressing rooms.

“Hey, Elon. Maybe we should do our own? We could package ’em with my leftover Bibles, teddy bears, trading cards and steaks. Should be a lot of demand for the ‘ol Drumpfster between Christmas and Inauggy Day? We start with a potential market share of 75 million votes. You put up the money, okay?

“Hey Voldy, you want in? For a licensing fee we can give you rights for whatever’s left of Ukraine on Jan. 21st.”

The Ukrainian’s blood was boiling. “January 21st?”

“I promised folks I’d end this thing on Day One. That would be Jan. 20th. But since it’s a half day – it doesn’t’ start until noon – I’m giving myself through the 21st.”

Zelenskyy knew the walls weren’t moving but they felt closer. “Ukraine is open to a realistic solution that protects ….”

“That’s great,” Drumpf said. “Elon’s in charge. He’ll work it out with Vladdy and be back in touch.”

The line went dead before Zelenskyy could object. He hadn’t noticed his assistant near the desk.

“What are we going to do?” she said. Her voice raw with fear.

“We will fight,” Zelenskyy said. “Fight! Fight! Fight!”

45 Drumpf: The bad showboat

“I want to understand Mr. President. You fired the FBI director because he was a showboat?”

“No. He wasn’t very good.”

The television reporter shifted uncomfortably. “But sir, I swear you said he was a showboat.”

“He wasn’t any good, that’s what I said,” 45 Drumpf said.

Contemplating that answer, the reporter paused. He built his next question cautiously adding each word with the care and deliberation of a man unsure of his next step on an ice-covered lake.  “He wasn’t good at his job then?”

The president shook his head. “Not what I meant either.”

“Let me get this straight,” the reporter said. “You didn’t fire Director Comey because he was a showboat. And you didn’t fire him because he was bad at his job. Why then?”

“He was a bad showboat,” the president emphasized.

The reporter let “showboat” hang in the air. Not for long, but for viewers it seemed like an eternity.

“A bad showboat,” the reporter sighed.

“Bad, lousy, putrid,” the president said. “Look, I’m being honest and I know more about showboating than the world’s best show boaters.”

“So it wasn’t about the Russia investigation as critics argue?” the weary reporter asked.

“No, he told me I was clean three times,” the president said puffing his chest like a child showing off their seventh-place ribbon from the sack race. “Mike Flynn, not so much.

“But I got rid of him in a bigly, presidentially, decisively way because our nation needs law enforcement officials with pizzazz.”

“Pizzazz?” the reporter repeated unsure of his hearing.

“Yup, pizzazz. Don’t bore with details and due process,” 45 Drumpf explained. “When I became president, I expected James Bond.

“I want pens that explode. Cars that fire missiles,” the president said leaning forward his eyes expanding. “I expected tapes of our agents having sex with foreign officials. You, now, the good, blackmaily stuff.”

“The good stuff,” the reporter repeated as he mentally rewrote his resume.

“Yeah, the good stuff.  I know more about intelligence than intelligencers. But they bore me.  So this is a teaching moment. If you want to work in this administration or be governed by it, you’ll have to entertain me. He didn’t’ do that.

“So he’s out,” the president said dragging his finger across his neck like a knife.

“So this isn’t about the Russia probe?”

“That’s correct.”

“This isn’t about him doing a bad job as FBI director.”

“Nopers.”

“This isn’t about him being a showboat.”

“Yup.”

“You fired the director of the FBI because he was a bad showboat and didn’t entertain you like a James Bond movie?”

“See, real news feels better doesn’t it?” the president said nodding.

As the reporter began to gather his belongs, the president couldn’t help himself.

“Oh, and one other thing.”

“What’s that sir?”

“He wouldn’t pledge his loyalty. That’s worse than boring me.”

(45 Drumpf is devoted to political satire and commentary. Any similarity between these essays and actual news is a huge disappointment.)

Build that … screen?!?

Posted Jan. 28, 2017

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald J. Trump reversed course and suspended  construction of the wall between the United States and Mexico that he authorized last week.

“Better idea,” the president said. “World’s largest and longest video screen. It will happen. Bigly.

“That thing Jerry Jones built in Dallas? Baby screen. Right out of Dubya and Poppy Bush League.  Already great excitement in old Mexico.”

Nicknamed “Trump TV” by staff at the direction of the president, Trump said the screen would deploy the latest in video technology. Trump explained that the screen will provide content for Mexicans on the South side and Americans on the North side.

“Advertisers can target the nationalities and the demographics they want,” Trump said. “That means advertisers pay for it! Which is good since I finally figured out there’s no way I can make Mexico pay without them making us pay them back.”

While the administration did not provide a cost estimate, video engineers contacted by 45 Drumpf put the price tag at $762 billion. “The screen in Dallas cost about $40 million or $1,600 a square foot,” said one engineer who asked to remain anonymous. “At 30-feet high across 1,500 miles, that works out to about three hundred and eighty billion dollars. But you have to double it because you’re broadcasting on both sides.”

At that price, the wall would equal the nation’s yearly outlay on Social Security and exceed defense spending by about $200 billion. “Look, it won’t cost that much,” one staffer confided. “The Mexican side is in 720p.  They can’t see our side, so they won’t realize how shoddy things are on their side.”

The screen won’t be used just for television shows and advertisements, Trump said. “Endless possibilities. Drive-in theaters along border. Amphitheaters to show on-line video gaming or horse racing. Even for-profit education. Cash registers will ring 24 by seven.”

The president also announced that “The Celebrity Apprentice” will be the first program broadcast on the Mexican side along with a new show to be called “Growing Up Trump.” The latter will include Trump home movies and videos as well as replays of his greatest media appearances. TV host Billy Bush, who lost his position with NBC after laughing when then private citizen Trump talked about grabbing women, will host.

“I am thankful that our glorious leader is giving me this chance,” Bush said in a press release. “But please remember that in this position, he’s my boss, so I have to laugh at everything he says.”

Trump also revealed that he has signed an executive order that requires members of his administration to develop programming for Trump TV. The shows under consideration include:

  • “Growing Up ExxonMobil.” This show highlights the struggles of one of the world’s largest energy companies to protect the environment. Viewers will be moved to tears by the struggle of former ExxonMobil CEO and current Secretary of State Rex Tillerson to stop fracking and construction of a water tower in his hometown of Bartonville, Texas; and
  • “Alternative Facts.” Kellyanne Conway and Sean Spicer travel through history offering alternative facts to dispute some of the world’s greatest discoveries. In the opening episode, the duo spins Galileo’s findings that the Earth revolves around the sun.

Entertainment insiders, however, say the biggest hit is expected to be “Redemption.” Based on the concept of the Chinese reeducation camps, mainline Republicans and #NeverTrumpers compete each week in a series of humiliating political tests to prove they are worthy of the Trump GOP. Each episode ends with President Trump declaring the winner by yelling “You’re Redeemed!”  House Speaker Paul Ryan, Arizona Senator Jeff Flake and Weekly Standard Editor Bill Kristol compete in the initial episode.

“Wholesome American entertainment can bring the American and Mexican peoples together,” Trump said. “Even if they are divided by a wall.”

(45 Drumpf is devoted to political satire and commentary. Any similarity between these essays and actual news should be considered a huge disappointment.)

Inauguration by Twitter

WASHINGTON, D.C. and AN UNDISCLOSED BUNKER – Ignoring precedent, president-elect Donald J. Trump declined to take the oath of office on the steps of the U.S. Capitol.

“Public inaugurations are hotbeds of conspiracies,” Trump tweeted on large screens erected on the West Side of the Capitol.

While Trump did not reveal his location, sources close to the administration said the president-elect was in the undisclosed bunker where he’ll work while he remodels the White House into an Executive Residence, Casino and Entertainment Venue.  (See: 45 Drumpf: Finally a White House that Entertains).

“Lincoln’s second shindig? You’ve seen the pic. Sure shot John Wilkes Booth is near him.  Six weeks later, both dead!”

“Then Tippecanoe. At age 69 a two-hour inauguration speech in a cold, spring rain. Two weeks later — dead!”

“Forty of the 45 presidents who have taken the oath in public are DEAD!”

“VPs expendable. Proceed.”

On cue, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas began to administer the oath to Vice President-elect Mike Pence but was interrupted by the late arrival of outgoing President Barack Obama and Vice President Joseph R. Biden.

“Dude never showed for the drive up here,” an exasperated Obama told U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts. “Not that I wanted to ride with him. A call or tweet would have been nice. He here?”

Without speaking, Roberts pointed to the large screens as a new message appeared.

“Nice of Mr. Michelle Obama to make it. So Kenyan. So Late. So Rude. It’s five after, let’s get started. DJT always on time.”

Reaching into his coat pocket, Biden pulled out his Khazir Khan autographed copy of the U.S. Constitution. He thumbed through its pages and looked up when he found what he needed.

“Hey boss,” he said turning toward Obama. “It’s right here in Section 1 of the Twentieth Amendment, ‘The terms of the President and Vice President shall end at noon on January 20th …’

“Constitution says I don’t have to put up with this shit anymore. C’mon Jill,” Biden said grabbing his wife’s hand and starting back up the Capitol steps.

“Then I’m with Joe,” former First Lady Michelle Obama said grabbing Biden’s other hand. “Meet us at the Elephant and Castle, okay Barry?

“Hillary, Laura, Roslyn, you coming? Bring the boys.”

As Biden led a parade up the Capitol steps, he turned back to Pence. “Hey Mickey, got one of these,” Biden asked  as he pointed to the Presidential Medal of Freedom on his chest. “I guess you don’t.”

Before Pence could complete his oath, the screen returned to life.

“Hey John Roberts, I know more about oaths than anyone so this should work.

“I Donald J. Trump, do solemnly swear on behalf of the Donald J. Trump Organization …..”

An Alien Registry that Rewards

WASHINGTON –Registries for American citizens and aliens will receive a marketing makeover under a plan unveiled this morning by 45 Drumpf, managing partner of the Donald J. Trump Presidency.

“Best Registry Ever!” boasted 45 Drumpf Chairman and Chief Executive Officer Donald J. Trump on behalf of the President-elect.  45 Drumpf will manage the  Donald J. Trump Presidency under an exclusive marketing and management arrangement. “This is a revolutionary concept in government mandated registries guaranteed to humiliate and dehumanize any sector of society.

“Yes, it’s embarrassing. Yes, it makes folks feel like second-class citizens,” Trump said. “But people will forget all that if they earn points towards wonderful merchandise. I’m talkin’ stays in Trump properties overseas, Trump steaks and Trump suits.

“What discriminated-against citizen won’t feel better after eating a Trump steak in an excellent Trump suit? FDR should of thought of this!”

Ivanka Trump, chief marketing officer of 45 Drumpf, explained the inner workings of the registry rewards program.

“When a second-class citizen complies with the requirements to register or update their location, they receive a Drumpf Dollar,” she said. “They can redeem those dollars for fabulous travel and merchandise.

“Just by signing up, a registrant earns 50,000 Drumpf Dollars which is good for a free one-way ticket out of the United States on a Trump Airways charter. But for those who want to stay, we have more.”

As she spoke, two models wearing sequined and bejeweled hijabs and burqas walked on the stage.

“Isn’t that just beautiful,” the president-elect said. “The design is a 10. There’s no way to know if the model is a 10 – I guess I could walk in while they are changing — but my daughter knows fashion. What Muslim woman wouldn’t want to wear this?

Reminded that burqas and hijabs are supposed to be plain and cover jewelry, the president-elect was unrepentant. “America is about bling and flash. Aliens have to accept that if they live here. I’m not changing because of them.”

And which groups will have to register?

“We’ll start  with MMDs — Muslims, Mexicans and Democrats before expanding into weddings and births,” Trump said without hesitation. “And for a short time, Americans who turn in a MMD to the registry receive triple Drumpf Dollars!”

(45 Drumpf is devoted to political satire and commentary. Any similarity between these essays and actual news would be a huge disappointment.)

‘Lock Her Up’ … oh never mind

Posted Dec. 10, 2016

GRAND RAPIDS MICHIGAN – 45 Drumpf CEO Donald J. Trump told disappointed followers at a rally on Friday that he will back off his promise to jail former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

He said he has a “better idea.”

“No, its okay,” Trump told his supporters as they began to chant “Lock Her Up!”

“Forget it. That plays great before the election. Now we don’t care,” Trump said.

“Instead I’m going to appoint a secretary of state with a probation officer. That’s right, a man who has pled guilty to illegally disclosing classified information to his mistress.”

Trump was referring to retired four-star General and former CIA director David Petraeus who admitted his guilt to the unauthorized possession of classified information after it was disclosed he provided documents to his mistress. As part of his plea deal in April 2015, Petraeus must pay a $100,000 fine and serve two years probation. If nominated and confirmed, Petraeus would not be able to leave the United States without the permission of his probation officer until his probation period expires.

Even  the Trump campaign’s chief misinformation manager, FBI Director James Comey, was shocked by the conduct of Petraeus. In testimony before the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee on July 7, Comey told the inattentive congressmen that because Petraeus had deliberately “lied” when first questioned by investigators, his conduct was worse that anything Clinton had done.

“So you have obstruction of justice, you have intentional misconduct and a vast quantity of information” that was highly classified, Comey said. “He admitted he knew that was the wrong thing to do. That is a perfect illustration of the kind of cases that get prosecuted.”

But as Trump left the stage from this Michigan rally, he was overheard telling staff why he wanted the general and how he would solve the probation issue.

“Probation, no problem; I’ll pardon him,” Trump said. “You can’t work for me unless you can go where I say and do what I want.”

Trump then volunteered that he’s not interested in the general’s experience. “No, I like his nerve,” Trump said. “You know he just looked his mistress right in the face and grabbed her in the pussy.

“That’s a secretary of state that will make America great again.”

(45 Drumpf is devoted to political satire and commentary. Any similarity between these essays and actual news should be considered a huge disappointment.)

 

 

 

Trump promises White House that entertains

Posted Dec. 6, 2016

NEW YORK – 45 Drumpf, managing partner in the Donald J. Trump Presidency, will put its stamp on the White House.

“Government is boring and so are its buildings.” 45 Drumpf Chief Executive Officer Donald J. Trump announced earlier today. “The election of our client shows Americans want their government to do more than protect them, they want entertainment.”

Keeping with past practice, Trump did not attend the press conference or disclose his location. Instead the president-elect transmitted his plans via Twitter across a large screen in the lobby of Trump Tower.

“America needs a great residence for its head of state .” Trump thumbed. “Look around.”

“10 Downing.  Too musty and old.  Rising damp. Another English row house.”

“Kremlin? Dank and cold. Why does Vlady live in dump? Sue builder over bulges in roof. Do not pay.”

“The Palais de ‘’l’Élysee? French.”

“Four-year term is a lease.  We’ll replace Houso Blanco with an executive mansion, casino and entertainment complex. (See I love Mexicanos!)

As for the costs of the project?

“Haven’t decided which country will pay. Maybe I’ll hit up a US corporation or the unions. Lots of arms to twist.”

A 45 Drumpf insider, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, offered a glimpse into the president-elect’s marketing plans.

“Everyone will be welcome since casinos are built on separating the little person  from their money,” the insider said. “However, there will be special gaming rooms for citizens like the president-elect who have managed to pay little or no taxes for decades. The president-elect feels that if you pay less in taxes than the person dealing your cards or bringing drinks, then we should throw in a lap dance or two with dancers rated a 10 by the Great Leader-elect. ”

(45 Drumpf is devoted to political satire and commentary. Any similarity between these essays and actual news would be a huge disappointment.)

Overseas vacations face 35% Trump tariff

Posted: Dec. 5, 2016

NEW YORK – Americans who vacation overseas face tariffs of up to 35 percent of the cost of their trip when they return home.

Documents leaked today confirm that 45 Drumpf Chief Executive Officer Donald J. Trump plans to extend to overseas travelers his attack on companies that move jobs off shore.  “Many great vacation spots in the US of A,” Trump tweeted. “No need to leave these shores.”

“Any of the seven Trump hotels or 12 golf courses would be more enjoyable than anywhere else in the world.”

A subsidiary of the Donald J. Trump Organization, 45 Drumpf has entered into a joint marketing and management arrangement to provide legislative and executive services for the Donald J. Trump presidency.

The tariff on vacations comes quickly on the heels of last week’s announcement by Trump to assess a 35 percent tariff on companies that move jobs overseas and then attempt to sell their products in the United States. Insiders say that Trump doesn’t see a difference between companies and American tourists.

“Job traitor companies will be punished and so will vacation traitors. Both take jobs from my base” Trump told his top aides. “Why go up the Eiffel Tower when we have Trump Towers? Our views are less French.”

While details are finalized, insiders indicate that Trump will adopt a one-strike approach to vacationers. “We’ll revoke their citizenship right in the customs line for a second trip,” the insider said. “A hologram of my, uh, Trump’s head will appear, stare the travelers in their fat, timid, pathetic faces and tell them ‘America fires you! Go back to where you came from!”

Asked about the negative impact tariffs might have on educational trips, staffers revealed an exemption was under consideration. “Any educational trip that includes stays at any Trump property outside the United States will be exempt. We don’t want to stop citizens from learning as much as possible about their Great Leader.”

(45 Drumpf is devoted to political satire and commentary. Any similarity between these essays and actual news would be a huge disappointment.)