“I want to understand Mr. President. You fired the FBI director because he was a showboat?”
“No. He wasn’t very good.”
The television reporter shifted uncomfortably. “But sir, I swear you said he was a showboat.”
“He wasn’t any good, that’s what I said,” 45 Drumpf said.
Contemplating that answer, the reporter paused. He built his next question cautiously adding each word with the care and deliberation of a man unsure of his next step on an ice-covered lake. “He wasn’t good at his job then?”
The president shook his head. “Not what I meant either.”
“Let me get this straight,” the reporter said. “You didn’t fire Director Comey because he was a showboat. And you didn’t fire him because he was bad at his job. Why then?”
“He was a bad showboat,” the president emphasized.
The reporter let “showboat” hang in the air. Not for long, but for viewers it seemed like an eternity.
“A bad showboat,” the reporter sighed.
“Bad, lousy, putrid,” the president said. “Look, I’m being honest and I know more about showboating than the world’s best show boaters.”
“So it wasn’t about the Russia investigation as critics argue?” the weary reporter asked.
“No, he told me I was clean three times,” the president said puffing his chest like a child showing off their seventh-place ribbon from the sack race. “Mike Flynn, not so much.
“But I got rid of him in a bigly, presidentially, decisively way because our nation needs law enforcement officials with pizzazz.”
“Pizzazz?” the reporter repeated unsure of his hearing.
“Yup, pizzazz. Don’t bore with details and due process,” 45 Drumpf explained. “When I became president, I expected James Bond.
“I want pens that explode. Cars that fire missiles,” the president said leaning forward his eyes expanding. “I expected tapes of our agents having sex with foreign officials. You, now, the good, blackmaily stuff.”
“The good stuff,” the reporter repeated as he mentally rewrote his resume.
“Yeah, the good stuff. I know more about intelligence than intelligencers. But they bore me. So this is a teaching moment. If you want to work in this administration or be governed by it, you’ll have to entertain me. He didn’t’ do that.
“So he’s out,” the president said dragging his finger across his neck like a knife.
“So this isn’t about the Russia probe?”
“That’s correct.”
“This isn’t about him doing a bad job as FBI director.”
“Nopers.”
“This isn’t about him being a showboat.”
“Yup.”
“You fired the director of the FBI because he was a bad showboat and didn’t entertain you like a James Bond movie?”
“See, real news feels better doesn’t it?” the president said nodding.
As the reporter began to gather his belongs, the president couldn’t help himself.
“Oh, and one other thing.”
“What’s that sir?”
“He wouldn’t pledge his loyalty. That’s worse than boring me.”
(45 Drumpf is devoted to political satire and commentary. Any similarity between these essays and actual news is a huge disappointment.)
45 Drumpf 