Posted Jan. 28, 2017
WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald J. Trump reversed course and suspended construction of the wall between the United States and Mexico that he authorized last week.
“Better idea,” the president said. “World’s largest and longest video screen. It will happen. Bigly.
“That thing Jerry Jones built in Dallas? Baby screen. Right out of Dubya and Poppy Bush League. Already great excitement in old Mexico.”
Nicknamed “Trump TV” by staff at the direction of the president, Trump said the screen would deploy the latest in video technology. Trump explained that the screen will provide content for Mexicans on the South side and Americans on the North side.
“Advertisers can target the nationalities and the demographics they want,” Trump said. “That means advertisers pay for it! Which is good since I finally figured out there’s no way I can make Mexico pay without them making us pay them back.”
While the administration did not provide a cost estimate, video engineers contacted by 45 Drumpf put the price tag at $762 billion. “The screen in Dallas cost about $40 million or $1,600 a square foot,” said one engineer who asked to remain anonymous. “At 30-feet high across 1,500 miles, that works out to about three hundred and eighty billion dollars. But you have to double it because you’re broadcasting on both sides.”
At that price, the wall would equal the nation’s yearly outlay on Social Security and exceed defense spending by about $200 billion. “Look, it won’t cost that much,” one staffer confided. “The Mexican side is in 720p. They can’t see our side, so they won’t realize how shoddy things are on their side.”
The screen won’t be used just for television shows and advertisements, Trump said. “Endless possibilities. Drive-in theaters along border. Amphitheaters to show on-line video gaming or horse racing. Even for-profit education. Cash registers will ring 24 by seven.”
The president also announced that “The Celebrity Apprentice” will be the first program broadcast on the Mexican side along with a new show to be called “Growing Up Trump.” The latter will include Trump home movies and videos as well as replays of his greatest media appearances. TV host Billy Bush, who lost his position with NBC after laughing when then private citizen Trump talked about grabbing women, will host.
“I am thankful that our glorious leader is giving me this chance,” Bush said in a press release. “But please remember that in this position, he’s my boss, so I have to laugh at everything he says.”
Trump also revealed that he has signed an executive order that requires members of his administration to develop programming for Trump TV. The shows under consideration include:
- “Growing Up ExxonMobil.” This show highlights the struggles of one of the world’s largest energy companies to protect the environment. Viewers will be moved to tears by the struggle of former ExxonMobil CEO and current Secretary of State Rex Tillerson to stop fracking and construction of a water tower in his hometown of Bartonville, Texas; and
- “Alternative Facts.” Kellyanne Conway and Sean Spicer travel through history offering alternative facts to dispute some of the world’s greatest discoveries. In the opening episode, the duo spins Galileo’s findings that the Earth revolves around the sun.
Entertainment insiders, however, say the biggest hit is expected to be “Redemption.” Based on the concept of the Chinese reeducation camps, mainline Republicans and #NeverTrumpers compete each week in a series of humiliating political tests to prove they are worthy of the Trump GOP. Each episode ends with President Trump declaring the winner by yelling “You’re Redeemed!” House Speaker Paul Ryan, Arizona Senator Jeff Flake and Weekly Standard Editor Bill Kristol compete in the initial episode.
“Wholesome American entertainment can bring the American and Mexican peoples together,” Trump said. “Even if they are divided by a wall.”
(45 Drumpf is devoted to political satire and commentary. Any similarity between these essays and actual news should be considered a huge disappointment.)
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