WASHINGTON –Registries for American citizens and aliens will receive a marketing makeover under a plan unveiled this morning by 45 Drumpf, managing partner of the Donald J. Trump Presidency.
“Best Registry Ever!” boasted 45 Drumpf Chairman and Chief Executive Officer Donald J. Trump on behalf of the President-elect. 45 Drumpf will manage the Donald J. Trump Presidency under an exclusive marketing and management arrangement. “This is a revolutionary concept in government mandated registries guaranteed to humiliate and dehumanize any sector of society.
“Yes, it’s embarrassing. Yes, it makes folks feel like second-class citizens,” Trump said. “But people will forget all that if they earn points towards wonderful merchandise. I’m talkin’ stays in Trump properties overseas, Trump steaks and Trump suits.
“What discriminated-against citizen won’t feel better after eating a Trump steak in an excellent Trump suit? FDR should of thought of this!”
Ivanka Trump, chief marketing officer of 45 Drumpf, explained the inner workings of the registry rewards program.
“When a second-class citizen complies with the requirements to register or update their location, they receive a Drumpf Dollar,” she said. “They can redeem those dollars for fabulous travel and merchandise.
“Just by signing up, a registrant earns 50,000 Drumpf Dollars which is good for a free one-way ticket out of the United States on a Trump Airways charter. But for those who want to stay, we have more.”
As she spoke, two models wearing sequined and bejeweled hijabs and burqas walked on the stage.
“Isn’t that just beautiful,” the president-elect said. “The design is a 10. There’s no way to know if the model is a 10 – I guess I could walk in while they are changing — but my daughter knows fashion. What Muslim woman wouldn’t want to wear this?
Reminded that burqas and hijabs are supposed to be plain and cover jewelry, the president-elect was unrepentant. “America is about bling and flash. Aliens have to accept that if they live here. I’m not changing because of them.”
And which groups will have to register?
“We’ll start with MMDs — Muslims, Mexicans and Democrats before expanding into weddings and births,” Trump said without hesitation. “And for a short time, Americans who turn in a MMD to the registry receive triple Drumpf Dollars!”
(45 Drumpf is devoted to political satire and commentary. Any similarity between these essays and actual news would be a huge disappointment.)
45 Drumpf 